God, Marriage, and the Order of Love

Table of Contents

1. Introduction — The Crisis of Modern Marriage

2. Christian vs. Non-Christian Divorce Rates

3. The Impact of Divorce on Children

4. The Biblical Order of Love

   • God First

   • Spouse Second

   • Children Next

5. Call to Action — Building Marriage God's Way

6. Resources

7. References

I. Introduction — The Crisis of Modern Marriage

It is no secret that a good home makes for a more stable society. It is also not surprising that children from homes with fathers and mothers are far more likely to fall into poverty or go to prison. In fact, according to the data, children raised in an intact, two-biological-parent family are approximately three times less likely to grow up in poverty, twice as likely to graduate from prison, and twice as likely to never go to prison.[1] When marriages end in divorce, they not only tear apart children from their parents, but also disadvantage the children, who are cast into emotional trials and spiritual tribulation that overwhelm them. The root of this problem is twofold: a fuzzy understanding of what Love is and misordered love.

II. Christian vs. Non-Christian Divorce Rates

There is a belief that divorce rates of Christians are the same as those of non-Christians, but this statement is false because the questions were vague. The study often cited for the claim is from a 2008 study by the Barna Research Group,[2] where all those who claimed the title of Christian were counted as Christians, which greatly inflated the numbers of divorced Chirtains. But are all those who claim to be Christians truly Christian? According to Jesus, no.

In Matthew 7:21, we can see Jesus' thoughts on this matter: "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven." So, according to Jesus, not everyone who claims to be a Christian is a Christian; only those "who do the will of My Father in heaven" are, and the data support this. The reason for the divorce rate equaling that of the non-Christians, it has been found, is due to the fact that "The 'Christian' category included people who profess a belief system but do not live a committed lifestyle." [3] This loose questioning is the reason for the evenness of the Christian and non-Christian divorce rates.[4]

When we look at those who do the will of the father in heaven, that is, those who are active in the Church, we find that they have a 27 to 50 percent lower divorce rate than non-Christians[5], while those who are Christians in name only are actually 20 percent more likely than the general population to get divorced.[6] While the rates of divorce are lower among active Christians, they are not zero; being active in your church is not a guarantee that a Christian's marriage will be divorce-free.

III. The Impact of Divorce on Children

Why are children of divorce, those from single-parent homes, so much more likely to end up living in poverty, go to prison, and be less likely to go to college? The list of usual suspects includes economic strain, reduced parental time and attention, emotional and psychological impact, less social support and structure, and weaker role modeling and expectations. While these are truly symptoms of divorce, they are not the cause. The root cause is a lack of knowledge of God's Word and a fuzzy definition of love, leading to a misordered love.

IV. The Biblical Order of Love

First, we know that the people of God are destroyed by lack of knowledge, Hosea 4:6. First, let's look at the order of love. The ordered loves:

God first (Matthew 22:37–40)

In this passage, we find a question asked: "What is the greatest commandment?" Jesus responded

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." Why must we love God first? Because, as John points out, "God is love," 1 John 4:8. Later on, in 1 John 4:7-11, John expresses the effects of this truth, that Christians are to "love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."

God is Love; those who are in his love as He loves us. If we do not love others the way God loves us, we are not of God. What is this love but self-sacrificial, that is, putting others above self? This is the first love.

Spouse second (Ephesians 5:25–33)

Paul commands the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the Church, even unto death. He is to spiritually strengthen her by sanctifying and cleansing her "with the washing of water by the word." Of course, to do this, he must know and understand the Word of God so he can help her. Paul goes on to quote the creation account of Genesis 2:24, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." Paul calls this union a great mystery. The union is a symbol of the Church, Christ as the head/husband and the wife as the bride, each bound together, not complete without the other.

Paul goes on to address the wife, telling her to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33). This statement almost seems dismissive: the husband is to help lift up the wife, supporting and even dying for her, but in this passage, the wife is told only to respect the husband. Why is the weight of this command focused on the husband? Because he must bear the weight of the marriage, he is the responsible party in this covenant relationship, accountable to God, to love his wife.

While more could be said on this issue, how wise wives are vital, a blessing, and more valuable than rubies, incomparable goodness, creating longer life, and bringing in riches and honor, "Her ways are ways of pleasantness, And all her paths are peace," Proverbs 3:15-17. But, for now, Paul lays the responsibility of the betterment of the wife on the shoulders of the husband. He must put God first, wife second, and children next.

Children next

The biblical order of love is this: God first, "husbands and wives are second only to God in our priorities, and since a husband and wife are one flesh (Ephesians 5:31), it stands to reason that the result of the marriage relationship—children—should be the next priority." [7] This thought seems right: to love God above self and others, the Wife/Husband above the other, and then the children. The way we love our Children is to train them in how they should live so they will grow into godly adults, Proverbs 22:6. Raising children requires discipline, Proverbs 13:24, but only when needed, we are also told that we must not provoke children, but to teach them in the ways of the Lord, Ephesians 6:4. While teaching children is something mothers are to do as well, the responsibility falls on the shoulders of the husband, it is to them that God lays the authority and to us the burden of the rasing of children. This is not some male chauvinistic bible bashing of women, but a reflection of the reality of the necessity and responciblity of fathers for the families.

Reality supports the Scriputres on this subject, statistics from the National Fatherhood Initiative and U.S. Department of Justice reports that children raised in single-mother homes are at a greater disadvantage than those of single fathers; They are five times more likely to commit suicide, nine times more likely to drop out of school, ten times as likely use and abuse drugs, and twenty times more likely to end up in prison. While these reports are said to misrepresent the data by ignoring details and failing to account for factors such as economic conditions, they are still not too far off. Let's cut the numbers in half, and say that children raised by single mothers over single fathers are "two and a half times more likely to commit suicide, four and a half times more likely to drop out of school, five times as likely to use and abuse drugs, and ten times more likely to end up in prison, it shows the need for fathers. We are also aware that fatherhood is under attack in the West.

The fatherless problem is even found in nature; the "Delinquent Elephants" incident in Pilanesberg National Park comes to mind. Here, the herd lacked full-grown male elephants; the pack consisted only of females and male juveniles. After some time had passed, rhinos were being mysteriously killed, but their horns were not missing, so poachers were ruled out as the cause. There was no sign of them being eaten by lions, so what was able to kill full-grown rhinos, and why would they leave the bodies intact?

To find out, the park set up cameras to catch the culprits, and what they found surprised the officials. It was the juvenile elephants that intentionally sought out the Rhinos, deliberately provoking the rhinos with no obvious provocation, trampling them to death for no apparent reason. This behavior is not natural with elephants, so why were these young males killing rhinos for no reason? Whatever the reason was, the fix the park came up with is telling. They introduced full-grown male bull elephants into this herd; the effect was that the young males' unrestrained aggression was checked in short order. The herd's overall behavior normalized, with young males learning to forage and interact peacefully.

The point of this story is simple: elephants are social animals, and fathers are a major stabilizing force in their families. The same is true for the human family; fathers are essential in raising young and in guiding and equipping them to function properly in society. Mothers are important, fathers are essential. The fact that fathers are necessary for a fully functional family is not a mystery; it is a plain fact, evident in humans and the animal kingdom.

V. Call to Action — Build a Marriage God's Way

To put God first in our lives we must first know His Word, the husband and wife must be taught to have sound "Biblical and theological perspectives," this helps them and society at large to "understand marriage as not just a business contract but also a sacred and edifying union, not just an expression of romance but also a bond of transforming and committed love, not just a joining of two individuals but also a covenant of significance to the larger community." [8] When we know God's word, we can properly love God with our minds, our wives more than ourselves, and raise our children in a godly way. This means that divorce should be rare, if at all possible. Biblical love means loving them more than self; this is the self-giving love we are commanded to have. Grounded in God, shared between husbands and wives, and given to our children

When you find loving the way god loves seems too much to bear, remember Paul's word of what true love is made of

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, 1 Corinthians 13:4–7

Also, remember what the Bible teaches on the meaning of marriage, as we read in Genesis 2:22-25.

Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Resources

• https://www.gotquestions.org/search-results.html?q=marrage#gsc.tab=0&gsc.q=marriage

• https://www.gotquestions.org/search-results.html?q=Children#gsc.tab=0&gsc.q=Children&gsc.page=1

• https://www.gotquestions.org/search-results.html?q=Husbands#gsc.tab=0&gsc.q=Husbands&gsc.page=1

• https://www.gotquestions.org/search-results.html?q=wives#gsc.tab=0&gsc.q=wives&gsc.page=1

References

[1] https://ifstudies.org/blog/less-poverty-less-prison-more-college-what-two-parents-mean-for-black-and-white-children

[2] Got Questions Ministries, Got Questions? Bible Questions Answered, vol. 2 (Bellingham, WA: Faithlife, 2014–2021).

[3] https://www.gotquestions.org/Christian-divorce-rate.html

[4] Got Questions Ministries, Got Questions? Bible Questions Answered, vol. 2 (Bellingham, WA: Faithlife, 2014–2021).

[5] Got Questions Ministries, Got Questions? Bible Questions Answered, vol. 2 (Bellingham, WA: Faithlife, 2014–2021).

[6] Got Questions Ministries, Got Questions? Bible Questions Answered, vol. 2 (Bellingham, WA: Faithlife, 2014–2021).

[7] Got Questions Ministries, Got Questions? Bible Questions Answered (Bellingham, WA: Logos Bible Software, 2002–2013).

[8] Dietrich Ritschl, Alfred Burgsmüller, et al., "Marriage and Divorce," in The Encyclopedia of Christianity (Grand Rapids, MI; Leiden, Netherlands: Wm. B. Eerdmans; Brill, 1999–2003), 422.